i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
