Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
