just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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