I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
