Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
