I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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