My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
