How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
