so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
