so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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