I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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