Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
