I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
