Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize