so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
