I think im going to throw up on grandma
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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