guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize