i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
