I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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