quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
