So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
