u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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