i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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