I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize