I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
