if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
