I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
