hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
