I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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