he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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