i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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