I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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