As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
