We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
