the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
