just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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