yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
