I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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