If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
