Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
