did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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