I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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