What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
