what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You ate ashes out of my bong
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