Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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