I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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