Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
