I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
