There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
