he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
