please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
