hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
