couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
