2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
