Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
