Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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