A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
