Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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