Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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