well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize