take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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