i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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