I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
